About Lori Faitel, Author & Survivor

My brother sent this email to me a few months back. He said I could put it out in my blog and I did. I recently re-read it, initially I was overwhelmed with shame. After review today I can see the great love my brother has always had for me.

I am blessed.

I love you Chris.

I’m eager to share this:

Today it all came crashing in…

Driving to work today, as is my custom – I put on a favorite album.. Usually something with a story to it. This time it was “Mercy Falls” by Seventh Wonder..

The song – “Tears for a Father” comes on – and I nearly skip it

“ahh why not, lets give it a listen – I’m feeling a bit melancholy today anyways” I think to myself…

[song plays]

“What’s going on inside of you…

Still wondering

If my voice is reaching through to you…

.

.

Don’t want to play

Another day without you

Oh – daddy

Open up your tired eyes

Want you to watch my games

And say you’re proud of me

Want you to do whatever fathers do…

.

.

But I won’t cry

No I won’t

I’ll be strong, goodnight dad

I will turn the radio on”

Before I knew it I had tears in my eyes and I could barely keep composure. It’s an hour later now and I’m sitting at my desk at work and I’m still visibly shaking…

I realized something today.. That boy in the song – is me.

You see – when I was 14 I lost my best friend. I came home from school and everything changed. My parents told me that my sister was in a car accident and was in a coma.

That was the beginning of a year that I don’t remember.

I’m not being melodramatic, I literally don’t remember. Not one detail. Not one sound, smell, conversation… Let me take that back – I remember one single thing. The most horrifying thing a young boy can possibly remember.

I remember seeing my brain injured 25 year old sister pulling her catheter out.

I remember that… and that is all.

23 years ago I lost my best friend – the person who I idolized. We played together from the time I was little (She is 11 years older than me). She cut my hair. I went to her apartment and stayed with her.. I loved her.

And then it was gone.

And for the last 23 years, there has been a 1 year void that I can’t recall.

Now – let me give you a little more detail on myself. I’m an Engineer and have a wife and two kids – pretty typical for my demographic I suppose… Late 30’s (for a few months still).. Active in my church, and I have a few hobbies to keep me busy..

But there has always been something – something there that I couldn’t place my finger on…

Until today.

It all came crashing in when I heard that song.

You see – I have listened to that particular song and album about 100 times and while it has affected me in other ways, today it hit me like a brick.

The album is by the Swedish Progressive Metal band Seventh Wonder. I like them because they have a singer who doesn’t do the whole crazy screaming thing and really has a quality voice. The album is called “Mercy Falls”, and it tells the story of a man who is in a car accident and winds up in a long term coma. The album deals with his family as they visit him and many of the songs are from the point of view of people at his bedside and what they are feeling over the last several years while he lays there, unable to communicate with them.

As I listened, I realized that not only could I relate to the boy in that song (and his Mother which is a whole ‘nother story), but I literally WAS the boy.

“Don’t want to play

Another day without you

Oh – daddy

Open up your tired eyes

Want you to watch my games

And say you’re proud of me

Want you to do whatever fathers do…”

Every time I had listened to that before, I thought of how touching it was, and even teared up a little thinking about my own son… But today, a new thought exploded into my mind. Something I that had been hiding for years and I had never realized. Ideas I never allowed to come to focus coalesced in my mind and I was left with the thought.

I lost my best friend 23 years ago, and I have never been the same since.

You see, I have always had a bad temper – and been very emotional and I would even say co-dependent and insecure. Sure, I can put on the act and walk the walk when I need to – but those that know me, especially my wife, know that there are scars there…. scars that even I, until now, didn’t know much about how to deal with.

I now realize why – why I have the character flaws, why I have trust issues, why I still – to this day – have trouble dealing with my own sister whom I love… but for some reason I just can’t relate to.

Page 2 of 3 | Previous page | Next page

Share this Post[?]